I was just a lost fucking soul, completely alone, completely cut off by Carl. I couldn’t put up with the heartache of being completely exiled, not being taken seriously or shown any respect by the band, the management, the record company, the accountant. I was treated like a monster, or a child. The gigs were my only escape. […] So if you’re gonna get involved, don’t dip your toe in the water, dive in and immerse yourself, right? I can be a swine, but I’m not really, and I’m not a violent, socially corrupt person. I’m gentle and try to be positive with myself. But the more people who mistrust me or disrespect me, the more likely I am to play them up.[..] I think Carl had been clean for a little while, but after what happened between me and him and then prison, I felt different towards Carl. I knew it was still the same but I wanted so badly for it to be all or nothing, wanting it to be me and him. But then I knew that that could not be and that was not what he wanted anyway. I fell back into being a little more emotionally dependant on Carl but I realised I had to cut myself off from demanding him like that. [..] Back when we were on the dole, or working in the theatre, we’d fall out and then that would be it. [Carl] would fuck off for a couple of months and everything would be at odds. I’d just be pressing on with the band on my own. This is how it ended up with me being exiled, the fact that I continued with the hermetic existence whereas Carl completely opened himself up to the outside world and to a different way of life, and therefore was seen as sort of the acceptable one, and was able to win the support of the infrastructure simply because he made himself more conventional. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, just in that people saw him more likely to get the job done.